Usually I feel invisible,
as if the world does not care for my existence,
my presence, my very being.
Most days I can disappear into the crowd unseen, unfelt.
I am an apparition, a non-being;
a thing to look past and look straight through.
And there are days I find power in this, peace;
like a traveler undisturbed,
days on end I do not wish to be seen,
do not feel worthy of all the eyes;
days when I am small and anxious,
timid and self-conscious;
where being invisible allows me
to piece together parts of my being without fear of judgement.
But some days, I ache,
with such loneliness, i fear my heart will break.
Am I not human?
Do I not exist?
Have I played so small for so long,
that the space of life I now occupy is so little?
I imagine then what would happen were I to fall ill,
fall down, fall unconscious.
How many of these people would stop to see me?
If there is any humanity left to be had.
But every so often – there is a day like today,
where something in the air shifts
and everything seems to tune into me.
all of the bodies and all of the eyes, suddenly aware.
Perhaps this is God, in some act of validation,
every now and then reaching out to me
through the eyes of his people:
‘you are not gone yet. you are not gone.
we see you. we see you.”